Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive whi...

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do...

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebod...

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You kno...

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clappin...

Diets, like clothes, should be...

The first time I see a jogger smiling...

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorit...

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're...

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toy...

Never floss with a...